The facts

• The battle for equality is not yet won: 45% of lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans (LGBT) young people have experienced bullying, and very few teachers get training in how to deal with this (according to Stonewall)

​

• More than two-thirds of LGBT respondents to this Equalities Office survey said they had avoided holding hands with a same-sex partner for fear of a negative reaction from others

​

• This targeting has serious consequences: more than half of LGBT 14- to 18-year-olds have self-harmed and most say the self-harm was related to their LGBT identity (Anti-Bullying Alliance)

I WANT TO… help my young child become who they are

• Be gender neutral when discussing romantic relationships. Try to resist assuming that relationships are always between a woman and a man. In order to blur the lines, you could use gender-neutral names like “Sam” and “Alex” rather than using obviously gendered names when you’re giving examples

​

• Be comfortable talking about lesbian and gay relationships in the knowledge that you won’t necessarily have to talk about sex. Talking about LGBT identities is about the diversity of modern families – and about people loving each other – not about the mechanics of sex. And that’s how most children will see it
   

• Teasing about girlfriends and boyfriends at a young age is making assumptions, and in doing this we may not only be accidentally sexualising friendships between genders but also forbidding same-sex sexuality 

• Studies have shown how important it is for mothers to talk to sons, and fathers to daughters. For one thing, a message is only half as strong if it comes from one half of a parenting unit. For another, parents can lead by example in helping difference to become relatable and familiar

How can we help?

I WANT TO… encourage my child to be accepting and inclusive

• Talk about friends, families and public figures who are different from you – without always referring to that difference first and foremost. Wrapping LGBT into general human rights is the best way to enshrine inclusive values. Model respect. Everyone deserves to feel safe and know that they are welcome

• The culture your child accesses is their window onto the world. The more books, videos and plays you can bring into view, the better your chances of balancing out negative messages. There are countless great examples including When Emma Became Emma, Worm Loves Worm and Julian is a Mermaid

• Speak out and demand inclusive relationships and sex education at school. If authorities only acknowledge “penis in vagina” sex, it is not only damaging to LGBT children but it also alienates children with same-sex parents and is a missed opportunity for non-LGBT kids to learn. People need to see themselves and others validated and represented! A vocal minority opposes LGBT inclusivity, so your voice is urgently needed…

I WANT TO… show my gay child they are loved and accepted

• If your child hasn’t disclosed a sexual identity – don’t ask! Your child needs space to work things out and express their identity for themselves, and to themselves, first

• “Repress the desire to be their one and only confidante,” says Kaitlin Menza, paraphrasing Davidson and Tobkes’ advice in When your Child Is Gay: What You Need to Know. Accept it if your child told someone else first: it’s not necessarily that they don’t trust you – maybe you’re the most important person in their life and they need “practice” first

• To prepare yourself, read these tips on how to react when your child comes out. This Is A Book for Parents of Gay Kids also comes recommended
   

• Go to – and point your child in the direction of – the It Gets Better project. The thousands of videos of people talking about being LGBT & coming out are there to uplift and empower LGBTQ+ young people

​

• Educate yourself on current gay, lesbian or queer culture. How do people prefer to self-describe? What might be the issues your child is facing? If your child is ready to talk, one of the best and most respectful compliments you can pay them is to ask for their opinions and advice  

​

• Show support for LGBT causes. Your child will feel beyond “tolerated” but also accepted, validated and respected. Image the warm glow you’d get if your child turned campaigner for women experiencing menopause, high suicide rates in your profession or the mental-health issues parents are up against

I WANT TO… show my trans child they are loved and accepted

• Educate yourself. Start with the NHS guide but these Good Sex Is videos from LGBT Youth and this advice for parents of trans children are also helpful. Remember, you’ll have a lot to learn from your kids too

• Useful responses include reassuring your child that you’re glad they have talked to you, asking how they’ve been feeling recently, asking them whether they’ve been able to talk to anyone else who’s been helpful and asking them if they have chosen a name. See this ParentZone interview with the parent of a trans child for tips on staying positive and this Atlantic article to explore complexities and doubts
   

• Look at public figures like Kellie Maloney, Andreja Pejic and Caitlyn Jenner with your child. Read about other trans-visible role models here – and look up your own! Writer Juno Dawson – author of This Book Is Gay and known as James Dawson when they wrote the excellent Being A Boy – talks about transitioning
   

• Nothing says “I’ve got you” like a body-positive undergarment from Your Open Closet (so says the company). Be careful not to assume – how about a voucher or a link accompanied by a kiss and an emoji?
   

More help with #Sexuality&Identity